There is always at least one episode every season on Dancing With the Stars where the tension between contestants and judges is palpable. This was that episode. This week was all about “the Great White Way,” i.e. Broadway, as Brooke Burke Charvet (which is French for “Where am I?”) informed us at the top of the show while standing next to the dashing and handsome Tom Bergeron. Each couple would dance to a preselected song from a Broadway show. Then, with only 7 couples remaining in the competition, the cast would take part in their first ever “Group Dance” together, which would not be given scores by the judges. So basically, the show just wanted to find yet another way to make these people work even harder and rehearse even MORE than the 6-8 hour days they sometimes endure in order to get that Mirror Ball Trophy prize. (I swear that trophy MUST be filled with crack cocaine or stuffed with millions of dollars inside. Why else does every non-celebrity on earth come from out of the woodwork to be on this show?) After the opening dialogue, a performance by the Broadway cast of Sister Act opened the show. Because really, there’s nothing quite like a whole slew of nuns doing a Rockette-style kickline across a big-ass stage to start a program. All this, and TONS of tension and arguing between the judges and contestants. . .”LIIIIIIVEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Hit that theme music boys: “Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo … doo doo doo doo doo …”
Rob / Cheryl:
Dance: Cha-cha to “Walk Like A Man” from Jersey Boys. In rehearsal footage, pointless Rob Kardashian made a comment that the routine was “tough on my brain.” Please. Eating soup is tough on your brain, reality boy. Then, pointless Mom Kardashian came to rehearsals to visit with Pointless Son. She offered such wisdom to him as this gem: “You’ve gone from a boy to a man.” Ewww. Creepy. At that point, she claimed that she was starting to “get emotional.” I am very glad she told us, because I couldn’t tell from her botoxed frozen-face that any emotion was happening. As for the dance, it was cute. I would say that Rob has definitely improved. I mean honestly, what the hell else does he got to do with his time? By now, he should be Fred Astaire. The whole pointless family was in the audience this week, and the annoying Khloe made herself known by yelling loudly at the judges: “GIVE IT A 9!” to which Bruno and Len yelled back: “Keep dreaming!” Len started off the evening grumpy and most likely with a soiled Depends; as he told Rob he “had no rhythm,” then called him “stiff and starchy.” Like his old man socks. Horny Carrie Ann said something about Rob no longer being a kid, and being an adolescent. Translation? “I want to jump your pointless bones.” Backstage in the skybox, Brooke Burke asked Rob: “Did you feel like a man out there?” WTF? Enough with the “boy/man” references, you creeps! After getting the scores of 8/7/7, Burke then asked her usual: “How does that feel?” as she looked down at Rob’s crotch area.
Tits McGee / Man Ass:
Dance: Foxtrot to “Always Look On the Bright Side of Life” from Spamelot. In rehearsal footage, Nancy Grace wondered out loud what else the judges wanted from her to make things more exciting. “Do they want me to come out in a bikini with spangles on it and shake my booty?” GOOD GOD, NO!!! Why on earth would you automatically assume THAT? Anyway, their dance was very cute, fun, and silly, just the way dancing to Monty Python should be. Bruno mumbled something about “Nancy Dance-a-lot!” while Len told Grace that her personality came out in this dance. Then the judges argued about something or other that made no sense, while the couple received scores of 9/7/8. Burke wanted to know “How does that feel?”
David / Kym:
Dance: Quickstep to “We Go Together” from Grease. Overall, their dance was pretty good, but the weird, creepy look on Arquette’s plastic-y looking veiny-face was beyond bizarre. He was stuck on smile and resembled a cracked-out clown while dancing. As usual, his energy was all over the place and he was unable to keep it together. The only thing stranger than David Arquette’s dancing is his speaking. Backstage, when being interviewed by Burke, David went into this odd John Travolta impression that resulted in a weird, forced laugh by the contestants behind him. I think they were all confused and afraid for their lives. Seriously, this guy should just stop talking. Forever. Judges’ Scores: 8/7/8.
Ricki / Derek:
Dance: Quickstep to “Luck Be A Lady” from Guys and Dolls. This was one of the two best dances of the night. (can you guess who the other one was from? His initials are J.R. and his last name is Martinez. Still stumped? Well, then, you’re an idiot and I’m sorry.) Fantastic footwork, and Ricki gets into the characters of her dances better than anyone else on the show I think. The couple received a standing ovation from Carrie Ann; along with a lot of the audience. Judges’ Scores: 10/9/10; their highest of the season.
Chaz / Lacey:
Dance: Tango to “Music of the Night” from Phantom of The Opera. Why is this man still fat? I’m so confused. I know I ask this every week, but every week he doesn’t seem to lose any weight. I feel badly for him. If dancing around for hours a day, weeks at a time isn’t going to do it, then what will? Okay, to be fair, I think he has maybe lost .06 pounds. So, he should feel good about that. The dance was not that great, and was still a lot of Chaz sort of walking across the dance floor. Bruno called him “a cute little penguin trying to be menacing.” Now Bruno! That is very rude. I prefer the term “doughey plumber with severe ass-crack.” With the low scores of 7/6/6, Bono said simply to Burke: “not much to say, is there?” During the results show, we found out through extra footage that Chaz has been really upset at some of the comments made by Bruno Tonioli, who has called him a troll, a penguin, and an Ewok. Bono was angry and yelled at the camera: “I’m sick of it!” I guess I can understand where he is coming from. But come on . . . Ewok? That’s kind of funny.
Hope / Maks:
Dance: Rumba to “Seasons of Love” from Rent. In rehearsal footage, Hope suddenly seemed all smiles and light, with every other word being how she is “sooo grateful” for this and for that. Yeah, okay. Last week and every other week, you looked like you swallowed a bag of lemons with that sourpuss look on your face all the time. Now you’re “grateful.” Their dance was extremely bizarre, and the outfit they put her in was equally so. Boots, shorts, a bikini type top, and a shall-like thing that draped over her body in an unflattering way. Not her fault; just a stupid costume. The dance looked like a series of unrelated movements to me, and my actual notes are: “WTF was THAT?” The judges did not care for it either. This is an understatement, as this was when all the tension and fighting began, and when Maks had his moment of insanity. It sort of happened a bit like this:
Len: This was your worst dance of the season, I feel. Audience: BOOOOO!!!!!!!
Max: (egging audience on to Boo harder) Boooo!!! Len: Well don’t do that Maks, cuz half the fault is yours! I’ve been in this business for 50 years . . .
Maks: Maybe it’s time to go!
Carrie Ann: Hey! Don’t be disrespectful like that!
Maks: Its not disrespectful. Everybody’s working their asses off, only to hear your overly judgmental comments.
At this point, everybody started talking all at once, Len pooped his diaper, and I think Carrie Ann stripped naked. Oh, and Bruno lit himself on fire. In the end, the scores were 7/6/7, Hope was “so grateful” to be alive, and Maks was sentenced to 14 years in anger-dance-management. All this over a freakin’ Rumba.
J.R. / Karina:
Dance: Quickstep to “All That Jazz” from Chicago. I LOVE THIS SONG! I LOVED THIS DANCE! I LOVE J.R.! That is really all there is to say. You have to see it yourself. It was just really good, and, like Carrie Ann said: “Bob Fosse would have been proud!” Judges’ Scores were: 10/9/10.
BROADWAY GROUP DANCE:
This Group Dance was loads of fun, but didn’t have any real purpose other than entertaining the audience and forcing the cast to work even harder; the judges did not even score this dance. The cast did a medley of songs from both Sweet Charity and Cabaret. The dance was choreographed by Kevin Maher and the hilarious Carson Kressley was brought back as the “Creative Director.” Within seconds of the rehearsal footage, Carson was making me laugh already. Maks had a slight trip, and Kressley replied in his overdramatic fashion: “Oh my God, you almost died! Hold me!” as he hugged Maks tightly. Watching the entire cast dance together interspersed with the pro-dancers was quite interesting and fun and very entertaining. I must point out that once again, David Arquette had the goofiest look on his face throughout the entire routine, like a happy little 12 year old boy with a new toy. Watching the dance was really lighthearted and fun.
RESULTS SHOW:
Lots of dancing, dancing, dancing. Followed by singing from Kristin Chenowith from her new CD. People were dancing while she was singing, and then there was more dancing, followed by some clips of contestants discussing the tension in the air the night before. One clip showed Maks and Hope talking into the camera and Maks was NOT apologizing for his comments the night before. He also seemed to have it out for poor Chaz, pointing out that he was “sick and tired of Hope getting picked on for every technical thing, when other people just walk back and forth and get points for putting in good effort out there.” DAY-UMMM!!! Looks like somebody’s a bit jealous of the transgendered plumber! After this, more dancing. A performance from Martina McBride. Dancing from a lot of little kids and Lacey Schwimmer to some sort of Halloween song. At this point, I started to lose consciousness. So did Len. Finally . . . the bottom two were revealed.
Bottom two couples were Hope and Maks and Chaz and Lacey. The tension up on that platform was priceless! I was really hoping Hope would go home, but once again, she STAYED, even though it’s obvious she doesn’t really want to be there and whines about something week after week. So Chaz went home. I like Chaz. Sure, he wasn’t a great dancer at all, but he really wanted to be. He put in a lot of effort, and you could tell he truly wanted to get better. When he left, he told Tom Bergeron that he was proud of what he had done on the show, and that “if there was anyone like me on TV when I was growing up, my whole life would have been different.” That’s right. You would have never been a plumber on DWTS. I will miss you Chaz. May you go on to fix many a toilet and clogged sink. Amen.